Lovely Lavender: My Essential Oil Story

 

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When we first moved back to Texas I was excited to finally own our own house. I was excited to decorate, make it “ours” and call it a “home”. I was excited to actually hang things on the wall and not be afraid of denting a wall (that we’d have to pay for in a year). I was excited to meet my neighbors, have playdates with other moms and put together a Facebook group where us moms can communicate together. I was excited to have Halloween, Christmas and cooler weather so we could use our fireplace. I was excited about the location-how everything was brand new, a grocery store less than a mile away, several brand new nail salons, pediatricians office and an awesome pizza place (for Bobby).

But what I didn’t expect was the intense magnified pregnancy anxiety and depression. I was already fighting it in Florida. But little did I know, that it would get much worse near the end of my pregnancy, once we moved to Texas. It was during that time, that I had the worst out of body experience. I was losing my grandma to cancer, my mom was always crying, my husband was always gone, my two-year-old was going through the WORST PHASE EVER, I was on bedrest and uncomfortably pregnant, I was lonely and scared to be here alone and didn’t know anyone.

I fell apart. I lost it. I fell into the darkest side of myself that I have ever experienced. I was stuck and unable to pull myself out this time. I thought my kid(s) were better off without me. I felt like I was failing as a mother, friend and wife. And during that time, my best friend completely and utterly shut me out and after 20 years or so of friendship. We were virtually enemies. I never felt more alone, more isolated, more helpless or angry, bitter, sad, anxious. I was depressed.

In a moment of an embarrassing plea for help, I sat in my doctors office crying and feeling as the time was at a stand still. I sat there waiting for them to call my name. I literally felt like I was melting into the chair and the walls were caving in on me. My breathing was heavy. People were staring at me. I couldn’t control myself. I kept telling myself: “Leave. No one wants to listen.” but my emotions said enough. Because my tears and my plea for help was clear to the receptionist. After all, I was brave enough to make it there to begin with. That was my first step. The receptionist so kindly begged me: “Please don’t leave. Please stay and talk to someone.” Knowing that my husband would have said the same (or even barricaded the door), I sat back down anxiously waiting to be called. And to what felt like an eternity, I finally made it in the room. And to a complete stranger, I poured out emotions I didn’t even know were there. I yelled. I cried. I sobbed. I apologized. And it.felt.good. She looked at me with wide eyes while I let it all out. Jaw dropped I would say. Everything that was building up, was slowly pouring out. The weight I was holding onto was releasing. She held my hand and said the one and only thing she could probably say: “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here to help. Let it out girl.” She hugged me several times and handed me the box of tissues.

That’s all I needed. You see, someone from the outside just to listen. Someone to take me seriously. Someone that wasn’t going to judge my irrational thoughts or my desire to pack my bags and head for a disconnection. She understood. Motherhood is hard! Being a wife is hard. Staying home, taking care of a family after working so hard for an education (that you’re in debt from), is hard! Being away from family, is hard. Having no friends to reach out to, is hard. Dealing with health issues with yourself and your child, is hard. But in the midst of my meltdown, I couldn’t help but feel so angry with myself. Who do I think I am? Things could always be much worse (I would tell myself this every time I got bent out of shape about something.) My life could be so much worse. And it wasn’t even bad! I had everything I wanted. I AM so blessed. What the hell was my problem? I just don’t know. All I know is that THIS feeling, would not go away. This feeling was consuming me. And all I know is talking about it was my first major step. After I left that office, I cried all the way home in my car. And asked God to please help me. I didn’t want to take these medications that were just prescribed to me. The strong headed, stubborn, independent woman deep down inside of me (that I knew was still there), just wanted another solution. There HAD to be something else. There HAD to be! I just want ME back.

Looking back to that day in the office is all a blur. But I do remember one thing. I remember that “ahh ha” moment. The moment I logged into Facebook for the millionth time that day and started scrolling through my newsfeed. Reading post after post after post. I came across a post (that I usually just bypass and ignore), that talked about emotions, how to handle them and a solution for the problem. After seeing this person constantly post about the same thing year after year after year, something was different that day. It finally caught my attention. I clicked it. I read it. And I felt this overwhelming feeling. I needed to listen. This was God saying: “Stacy, here is your answer.” This was the answer to the emotional mess I was in. He showed me the way.

FLASH BACK TO A FEW WEEKS BEFORE THIS POST CAUGHT MY ATTENTION:

I was outside watering our flowers in the backyard, when fire ants had attacked my feet. So badly so that I couldn’t get those suckers off fast enough. I was screaming, jumping and running around like a crazy person. My poor Josie was freaking out because I was freaking out. I had welts on my feet from the bites. And several hours after getting bit, while laying in bed, the bites were itching and painful. The itching was so intense that I thought I was going to lose my mind. I couldn’t sleep. I wanted to cut my feet off…

I pulled out my computer and asked the Facebook group (of the subdivision to which we live), if anyone knew of something I could use to get rid of the itch. Several people commented and most of them said Lavender Essential Oil and Purification Essential Oil. What? Essential oil? What is that? Tell me more! I was desperate. And I was willing to head to whatever store carried them. I knew nothing about essential oils at the time. I didn’t know that the store bought ones were unsafe. And I didn’t know the difference between each brand.

There were two women who kindly reached out to me and offered to drop off several samples of Lavender and Purification. At first I was skeptical. But then after using the Lavender on my feet, the itching went away immediately. Completely. Just.like.that! I loved the way it smelled too so I continued to use it every night until my sample was gone. I also realized that it helped me sleep. I was at the end of my pregnancy and I could barely sleep for 30 minutes at a time without feeling restless and uncomfortable. But when I applied Lavender to the bottoms of my feet, I slept like a rock! I was convinced. I was curious. I wanted to know more. What were these oils? Where did they come from? How do I get more? After asking these questions on my original Facebook post, another woman so kindly answered me and dropped me off a full bottle of Lavender that next day. Bless her heart! She never once explained Young Living to me or what they had to offer. She just simply said “I have a lot of essential oils laying around here and my husband gives me a $50/month allowance to use on oils, so I’d love to give you a bottle.” That next day, I came across that aforementioned Facebook post.

I commented on it. I think with something such as: “Amanda, how do I go about getting these oils?” and within a few weeks I was released from the demon of depression. Or at least the worst of it. I truly felt like this was the answer to my prayers. The answer to my struggle. It kept me intrigued. I did research. I googled, Pinterest and Facebook searched everything. I learned so much in such little time. I felt truly lifted. I learned that I could use lavender to help with this dark phase I was in. Lavender is great for emotions, anxiety, depression, stress and insomnia. I applied lavender on my chest, wrists and the nape of my neck. The release of emotions was unreal. If only I had known when applying it to my feet (when I had the ant bites), that applying it elsewhere would release me from this grip of darkness I was in. I was very interested in other oils. I just kept wondering: “If lavender has the ability to do this, what else is out there? What other oils are there? What can they do for me and my family?”

Within a week or so I got my Premium Starter Kit. I was so excited to open it. I opened each bottle and I smelled and inhaled each scent. I read the books that were included and I unpacked the diffuser. I diffused lavender first, of course. After all, it is the reason I started this oily journey, right? I couldn’t wait to get it into the air we breathe. And that “ahhhhhh” moment came again. I felt free. I put lavender on my feet, my wrists and my chest. I took a deep breath in and I thanked the good Lord. THIS was an amazing feeling.

I felt like me again…

For the first time in months…

I felt like me.

The medications, by the way, were untouched. I never took one pill. Not one. I contemplated it though. And I said I was going to in my previous post about my depression. But I knew that after seeking the real answer, He would come through. I knew He’d show me, tell me, teach me…I knew He was there all along. I knew that this was it. I just had to listen and keep an open mind.

I have my moments, still. My moments of complete exhaustion (now with two kids, instead of one). I have my moments where I seek to find a quick answer to the stressful days that come and go so quickly, but sometimes drag on to what feels like eternity. And when I do, I take a step back and ask for help. I ask which oils will help. There is an oil for every situation, every emotion and every life event). I pull out my oil and I use it, diffuse it, breathe it in. I immediately feel grounded and back to reality. I feel a little pep in my step. A little bit more energy. The confidence to tackle what the day brings. I’m ready to face the reality of a stay-at-home-mother raising two beautiful daughters in a time of my life where I should be enjoying what each day brings. The reality of days unshowered, 3 hours or less of broken sleep, breast feeding, potty training and missed dinners. I should be enjoying this season of life. This cup of tea. This freshly made dinner (that has now sat for hours and is cold). I should be enjoying this movie with my husband and this glass of wine. All I wanted was to live in the moment. And stop wishing away the days.

During my dark phase, we searched and searched for daycares to put Josie in to give me a break during the day. Looking back, I’m so glad that we didn’t put her in a school. Because I cannot imagine my day without her. I never, ever wanted to wish her away. At the time, I just couldn’t be the mom that she deserved, while struggling to find me again. And now when I look at her, in moments while she’s playing in silence, I’m grateful that I get to be home with her. I’m grateful that I get to spend my days and nights with her. I’m grateful to be her mom. I’m grateful to have the exhausting and rewarding job of a stay-at-home-mom. I love my daughters. And everyday I’m learning to be better.

I fell in love with the oils in the premium starter kit so much so that I expanded my oil collection almost immediately. I started making roller bottles, lotions, serums and sprays. I made homemade body washes and switched shampoos and toothpaste. I changed my laundry soap, dish soap, dishwasher soap and hand soaps. I bought diffuser necklaces of all sorts. I cannot express in my words how empowered these oils have made and continue to make me feel. They have made my birth of Juliette and my healing time and my recovery so incredibly comfortable and fast. By using, diffusing and applying these God given gifts, my healing took 3 weeks after Juliette was born! Whereas, with Josie? —6 MONTHS, ya’ll! Yes, you read that right! SIX! Long, miserable months of infection after infection. You can compare the two birth stories in my archives on my blog if you’re interested in reading and comparing the two. It’s amazing the difference between the two. Diving into essential oils and splurging on that premium starter kit was worth every single penny.

It’s important to note that while I am an RN and have worked in the medical field, I am not a doctor. I cannot say with certainty that these oils can cure any diseases or such. All I can do is tell you my true and honest testimony. I suggest you reach out to your physician to see what works for you. I dug very deep into a very personal and sometimes embarrassing part of me, just so I could share with the world how these God given oils have changed my life.

I wanted to share how they have uplifted me. How they have empowered me. It was not easy being this honest and transparent. It’s not easy letting those who thought I was “the strongest woman they know”, really see this failing side of me. It was important that I was able to stand back and take a look at myself. And see the destruction my mind was putting my physical and emotional self through.

While I’m not cured, I am better. I’m a better mother, wife and friend. When I feel like I’m getting anxious or worked up over a stressful situation, I pause and reach for my oils. The result is unbelievable. If you are struggling with such emotions, please let me help you. I will mail you samples and talk to you personally about my results more in depth. Don’t sit back and struggle. There is a way out. There is an answer and it doesn’t have to include medication.

I started taking Young Livings supplements, using their toothpaste, shampoo and cleaning products. I have even discovered these oils can be used in the bedroom (I’ll save that story for another post) and my oh my! They have completely transformed the connection between my husband and I.

I feel empowered to make my home a chemical free home. No more toxins. No more bleach products or store bought products that say: “keep out of reach of children”. I want my home to be safe. With two kids in tow, I want them to be healthy and happy. And as their mother and their protector, I am doing just that. Though we have not completely changed our home yet, it is a work in progress. And I am determined that I will get there.

During this discovery and journey into oils, I have been supported and led by the most amazing person. She’s incredibly knowledgeable, compassionate, motivated and truly, truly cares about the well-being of others. She drops everything at any given moment to answer a silly question I may have. She encourages me to be better. Not only with essential oils but with my family, my children, my husband and with God. She offers an abundance of knowledge. She is one of the strongest women I know. She is truly a role model. Her ability to tackle two jobs, two kids, a marriage, a household and so much more, is what motivates me. She is an inspiration. I can’t imagine having someone better to walk me through this learning process of health and wellness. She has the answer for everything! So, with this testimony, I believe she deserves to be recognized. Thank you, Amanda Hoffman, for saving me. I know it sounds silly but I mean it. That day when I felt nothing short of helpless, hopeless and scared, you changed all that. From your happy mail, to your phone calls, texts and all the hundreds of questions answered-you are a wonderful friend and leader. You are changing lives! And I can only wish to pass the same to others.

I have so many stories to share and testimonies in response to certain oils. I haven’t had a chance to get those out on the blog just yet. I hope to focus on each one and talk about why I love it and why it works for our family. My family comes first so when I get some spare time, I will really try to share with all of you my true and honest opinion of each oil/product that has made a difference in our family and my well-being.

If you are interested in starting your oily journey, making your family healthy and your home toxic free, please comment below or follow this link for more information. I am happy to answer any questions that you may have. And if I don’t have the answer, I know someone who does. I would be so honored and so blessed to watch others walk away from the pharmacy and use these God given gifts of wellness instead. Let yourself be free!

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Juliette: 3 Months Old and First Christmas

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Dear Juliette,

I don’t even know where to begin with this blog post. I didn’t want to talk about this on the blog, only because it makes my stomach turn. And I haven’t wanted to sit down and type the words out. I didn’t want to remember. I didn’t want to recount the moments where I almost (or so I thought) lost you. Just like I haven’t wrote about the story of almost losing your big sister to anaphylactic shock back in April. Because it brings back horrible memories, I start shaking just thinking about it and I honestly feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. But here we go…

It was a Friday and everything was as normal. I was giving you a bath around noon. Afterwards I took you to your crib where I would get you dressed and put on a clean diaper. It’s during that time that you usually cry because you hate it. You cry differently, though. It’s a mad cry. But you mad cry a lot. You get mad VERY easily and you’re very temperamental. I was just taking my time because I know that letting you cry isn’t going to “kill you”. At least that’s what I’d always say. But then your cries turned into silence and choking and you stopped breathing. You were stiff as a board and eyes were a steady gaze. Almost like you were having a stroke or a seizure. You wouldn’t flinch when I’d touch them. You were making this God awful grunting sound and starting to turn blue. When seconds felt like minutes, I ran out of the bedroom and into the living room to Facetime your daddy. I was in a panic and screaming “she’s not breathing!” He said “CALL 911!” So I quickly hung up and did so. 911 was awful! It makes me seriously scared of anything ever serious happening again. This woman I was talking to was an absolute idiot. I repeated myself over and over again. My address, my situation, my name. I BEGGED her to tell me how to do CPR on an infant. I’m a registered nurse for God sake, where was my brain? GONE! Everything I knew was gone. I was blank! I was out of body. I was having a panic attack. I couldn’t catch my own breath. Sobbing on the phone to this stranger, begging her to help me! You were not breathing. Time is brain, time is brain, time is brain…that’s all I could think. “HELP ME!” I kept screaming to the 911 lady. “TELL ME HOW TO DO CPR!!!!!” She never answered me. Not once. I started pumping your chest with my fingers, I laid you flat on the ground. I tilted your head back and stuck my finger in your mouth. Were you choking on something? Nothing was there. I was crying, begging you to stay with me. You were turning pale. I was terrified. What seriously felt like hours, was simply seconds turned into minutes. Time was at a stand still. You were starting to turn blue. “BREATHE!” I was pleading to God to please not take you. I’m so sorry I let you cry. I’m so sorry I didn’t pick you up. I’m so sorry, Juliette, I’m so so sorry. I had no idea what was going on. I had no idea what I was doing. Giving you CPR was terrifying. As Josie stood there and watched, all I could remember was her saying “oh no, baby sister!” I heard sirens (finally!) and 10 men ran into our home. They took you out of my arms and hooked you up to an EKG machine. At this point, you were breathing again. Your color was starting to slowly come back and you were so completely and utterly exhausted and fatigued that you could not keep your eyes open. You were pale. Almost lifeless. What the hell just happened? I didn’t know. But you were breathing now. Shallow. You were okay. Thank God! I was devastated, trembling. Josie was crying and hid behind her easel in her playroom. Scared. Scared of these men. The machines, the noises. We were both scared in tears. What just happened? What just happened to my baby? Your daddy took an emergency helicopter home that day. He came home that night about 5 hours after you were taken to the hospital. That’s as quickly as he could make it. And honestly, very fast considering his circumstances. EMS took you to the hospital. Josie and I followed after I packed and pumped my extremely engorged breasts (because I was trying to quit producing so much at the time). When we arrived at the hospital you were fine. Normal. Vital signs stable. As if nothing ever happened. The only thing that changed, leading up to this event, was that I gave you Earth’s Best dairy based baby formula. But you were fine. I had given you that several days before this. It’s the only thing I could think of that may have caused this. The doctor came in when I got there. He was a fantastic doctor. He truly listened. He cared. I told him what happned. But then I also showed him the videos. Thank goodness we have cameras all over the inside and outside of our house. These were life savers at the time. As Bobby was able to watch what was unfolding from hundreds of miles away, it was also recording important information. As I told him what was happening, he was convinced you were having a seizure. But after showing him that actual video and the events that occurred, he later changed his mind.

Diagnosis: Breath holding spell.

WHAT? Why? Babies do this? What do you mean she held her breath?

Yes. As much as that was a relief to hear, it was that much more concerning too. How often will she do this? Why does she do this? What do I do? The doctor says: “you walk away.” WHAT? NO! How do I just walk away when your child isn’t breathing, turning pale, blue and stiff as a board for up to a minute? How does a mom just do something like that?

You.just.do.

“Blow in her face” he says. “She got really, really mad.”

That came as no surprise to me honestly. Because you do get mad at EVERYTHING. You cry over everything.  And it’s never just a simple baby cry. It’s a scream, yell and mad cry.

Oh boy! This is different. This is going to be a challenge. You are going to be a handful, sweet girl. God is really giving me a run for my money this time, isn’t he?

Sometimes I feel like life is all a test. How far can you press me? How far are my limits? Nothing seems easy. Nothing seems like it’s just day to day and I can relax. I’m always uptight. I’m always so aware and my senses are heightened when it comes to my surroundings and my children. Since having children and almost losing both of them, I cling to home. It’s terrifying. And even more so when you’re experiencing these events all alone. With no family around. I should mention though, that I do have a wonderful neighbor. She was there when I needed her and came over to make sure everything was okay even though she was so busy planning her daughters 2nd birthday party. She even came up to the hospital to see us. I am so grateful for her and her friendship. It means a lot to me.

I can’t write anymore than that about that particular situation. Luckily, you haven’t done it again…yet. But I’ve been told you will. Even the pediatrician, that next day, told us you would. She told us to blow in your face, walk away and let you learn to be without me. I can’t though. As much as these moments of anger that you constantly express, I hold you. No matter how stiff your body becomes once you’re mad (which is almost every single cry), I try to bend you and sit you on my lap. I put my face next to yours and say “it’s okay”, “I’m right here, baby.” It’s terrifying.

God always gives me these situations. I know it only makes me stronger but I don’t want another reason to lose sleep. To keep one eye open. To have you stay in our room longer. To feel like I can’t walk away. To be terrified just to let you cry just a little. I jump at every whimper. It’s truly hard. You are so different, Juliette. Nothing like your big sister. It’s fascinating to me how different you both are. She was so easy. You are such a challenge. I’m grateful I’m not working because you take a lot of my energy. Most of it, actually. Some days I feel like I’ve given Josie about 2% of me. Some days come and go and I feel like I haven’t even acknowledged her. You require me in sight at all times. I can’t put you down without a cry and scream. And it’s always a mad scream. If I walk away and am out of sight, you scream. A part of me thinks that you’re a needy baby. But a part of me thinks this is because of that particular event. You are terrified. You don’t want to be left alone. As much as it scared me, it scared you, too. I just don’t know. All I know is that motherhood is tough. I don’t have it easy with you two girls. It’s always something to worry about. You keep me on my toes. Both of you. And at any given moment when things start to seem out of the ordinary with either of you, I jump, shake and start to breathe heavy. I feel like a panic attack is setting in. I’m learning to talk myself down. Learning to breathe and convincing myself to calm down.

Oh a happy note, you’re growing so fast. You are such a chunk! You’re gaining weight so quickly and you eat a ton! You’re a very gassy baby though no matter what you eat. And I am having a hard time getting you out of that Rock n Play. I wish I never would have bought it, honestly. I know it’s the feeling of being cradled that you love.

Your head control is awesome. Much more advanced than Josie’s was at your age. You’re strong! So strong I almost feel like you could get up and walk away when you have your moments of stiffening your legs in a rage.

Your smile is contagious and adorable, though. You do have a sweet side, believe it or not. I didn’t want to sound like you were an awful, terrible baby in this post, because you’re not. You’re a sweetheart. I think you are just trying to figure out this world. Figure me out and figure out how to be independent without my arms holding you 24/7.

I’ve been struggling to get my milk supply down. No matter what I’ve tried or how hard I try, I can’t get it to stop producing SO much! It’s definitely painful and stressful. I’ve dealt with clogged milk ducts, engorgement and lots of pain. I will be happy when it’s decreased.

I don’t have much more to say. Other than I can’t wait for you to grow out of this phase. And I do hope it’s just a phase.

I love you sweet girl. I can’t wait until you start crawling, mommy needs a break from holding you all.the.time. Despite all that has happened and just how much work you are, I truly do try to enjoy these moments because time goes by so quickly. Heck, your sister is potty trained. When did this happen? What happened to my baby Josie?

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Juliette: 2 Months Old

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Whoa! Where has the time gone? Being a stay at home mom is rough, ya’ll. I remember in my juvenile days saying “I hope to be a SAHM one day.” YIKES! What was I thinking? I love my kids, don’t get me wrong, but this job is tough! It’s not easy. Every day is go, go, go! Every day is about them. Every day is a repeat of the day before with a few more or a few less tantrums, poopy diapers and less or more sleep. Being a stay at home mom is no luxury. It’s literally the hardest job on the planet. I love my career and I love what I do. I love being a mommy to the two most beautiful girls in the world. But I miss working. Oh how I miss working. I miss taking care of people. Talking to people. Getting to know people. Giving my heart to people. I’m a nurse and always will be. Being a nurse isn’t easy either…but it’s so rewarding. Just like motherhood. Two of the hardest jobs that can fill your heart so immensely. But for now I will give my heart fully to these two beautiful girls. One day, I will walk out of this house and head to work and cry my eyes out because I miss these days. Sometimes when you’re so overworked and so overtired, it’s so hard to enjoy the “now”. Enjoy the “moment”. Enjoy that “nightly feeding”. I try to remind myself, looking back at how quickly Josie has grown, that time flies by so quickly. It has no limits. It doesn’t stop for anyone. You really do have to enjoy it as it comes. And goes. Josie is growing so fast. She’s incredibly smart and advanced for her age. I can only hope that we can provide Juliette with the same knowledge and the exploding personality like Josie has. Take a look at these cuties…

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Oh Juliette. You’ve grown into a breast milk junkie. You’ve managed to take the bottle like a pro and attach back to the breast even if it’s been a week since you last breastfed. Our deep freezer is full to the top. I am a milk machine! You sleep through the night most nights. Whatttt? Your sister slept through the night starting at 8 weeks. How lucky were we? But you, my dear sweet girl, you needed more time. But even so, you’re doing it now and you, just like Josie, love love love your sleep! You love to sleep in your Rock n Play. You love the feeling of your legs pulled close to your body. Even laying on the couch you love it when I push those skinny little legs to your chest. You grunt and coo and smile. You’re unique, little one. You have a round face but soft eyes. I can’t really explain what I mean by the soft eyes but you just melt my heart when you give me that half-smiled grin. You interact with us so well. You follow me as I move from one side of the room to another. And when I leave you alone after talking to you, you beg for me to come back. You know when you have been left alone and you hate it. You love being held. You love being rocked. You love having someone, anyone, just talking to you. When your sister comes near you always search for her face. You smile, and coo and I know that’s sisterly love. I can’t wait to watch you two grow up loving each other. You two adore one another. Josie loves to hug you (“baby hugs”) and she loves to kiss you (“baby kiss”). You two are lucky to have each other. And you will realize that one day.


I love your little cries and how your lip quivers. You are just such a sweetheart. So different than Josie but so much alike. You love to be on Daddy’s chest in the baby carrier…


I love how you put your fist under your chin when I’m holding you until you fall asleep. Or when you pass out from being milk drunk and refuse to burp but as soon as we lay you down you wake up to burp. You’re such an easy going baby. And I just can’t say it enough but you’re just such a sweetheart.

I cannot wait to watch you grow and grow over the next few months and watch your little personality come out.

You will have your first Christmas soon, but you have no idea how important this holiday is to your family. We love it. Everything about it. And cannot wait to make traditions as a family. I love you little one. You are precious and unique. You are my rainbow baby. So often when I’m tired, starving and unshowered or just plain stressed out from your sister. I need to remind myself that I prayed hard and long for you. I hoped, wished and dreamed of you. You are my rainbow after the storm (many storms). I regret some days that your older sister takes all the energy and life out of me, so by the end of the night I’m not able to give you my all. I only give you the least of me some days. That hurts me. Because I want you to know my love for you goes deeper. But some nights I’m so exhausted that I cry myself to sleep. The day was hard. Potty training was exhausting. 5 temper tantrums from your sister has sucked every ounce of my being. That putting my head on that pillow then hearing your cry, breaks me. I wish there was more of me to spread out. More of me to dip into when most of me is consumed and used up. I wish I could plug myself in a recharge after a stressful day and give you my all after your sister goes to bed. These are the days I will miss. The days that are flying right past us. The days that I so often, sadly, wish away because of pure and utter exhaustion.

Being a mom is hard. But it’s the best job. It feels so good but hurts so bad. I can’t explain the feeling but it’s the reason for living. I love it. Everything about it.

We’re getting ready for Christmas over here. It’s the best time of the year. We decorated the entire house. Maybe next year we will decorate outside more. I love the ambiance of the Christmas lights throughout our home. One day you’ll realize how important this holiday is to our family. We cannot wait to spoil you two girls.