A Progressing Pregnancy: Journey into Becoming a Mom of 3!

Adventures of a mama who has miscarried…3 times. Why so many strips/tests? PROGRESSION! Why so many in one day? It’s all about the science behind it! Knowing when and what time your body double/triples in hCG. This is a sign of a progressing pregnancy. At the top we started on 7/28 and towards the bottom we landed at today 8/6 (which looks like a double/triple from last night because the line is much darker). The strip right above it was 12 hours ago. So while I was sleeping (or trying to with a sick 10-month-old), this baby was growing. Usually this is tracked by a blood test as well (which I’m also doing). I am scheduled tomorrow for my third re-check. But it’s much more mind easing when I can also track it at home. When Amazon sells packs of 50-100 pregnancy tests, do you ever wonder “why so many? Who will actually use all those?!” People like me. People who’ve experienced loss. People who can’t rest until they know baby is safe and thriving as he/she should. I’m not crazy, I’m just in tune! Besides, it saves me the $35 co-pay and the trip to the doctors all the while hauling my kids there. Peace of mind y’all. It puts my anxiety in check. That’s what this is about. You won’t understand, unless you’ve experienced loss yourself. I’m happy to share my journey into motherhood with y’all for the third time.

Let’s do this!

 

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God’s Plan

So Josie has been talking about a little brother a lot lately. Mainly telling Bobby that a little brother will complete our “family”. She says things like “Mama, Daddy, Josie, Baby and Brother.” Bobby was taken aback from that random out-of-nowhere statement, that he sent me the clip from our camera while I was at work. My heart sank…

Do children really know before we do? …God’s plan?

Or maybe too much TV time? Too many stories about little baby brothers?

I haven’t been feeling “me” lately. To say the least, I’ve been anything but normal. My anxiety seems heightened and my patience is absolutely non-existent. It’s been a rough few days. I usually blame (which is usually the case) the fact that Bobby leaving us again, as to why we are all a little crazy a few days after. But really…it was just me. I couldn’t even stand to hear Josie speak sometimes, which is awful to say. I’d lie in bed at night after I put her to sleep and think “Something isn’t right with me. This is NOT me. What is going on?” So that next morning I did it. With everything else pointing to it, I just had to…

Since 3 miscarriages and two daughters later, I am so in tune with my body, that I know it’s signs and symptoms (of pregnancy) so soon that I just know when to test. The most crazy part? It was still 7 more days until my “projected period” was supposed to start. Insane! This happened with Juliette, too. I ovulate way soon in my cycle, literally days after my last period. Being in tune with your body takes time and work, I’ll be honest. I haven’t always been that way. I knew I was craving nasty food. Pickles, ice cream and bacon. I bought a jar of green olives and pickles at the store. I found myself waking up to go to the bathroom at least 2-3x a night (I know it will get worse) when I usually maybe go once or not at all. I am tired. But I blamed that on working a ton and jumping right back into SAHM when Bobby left. After this positive test, the insomnia kicked in that night and the night sweats and vivid, crazy, crazy dreams. I feel like I haven’t had dreams that I can actually remember in months and months! So then it made sense. There’s a baby in there…growing.

…now what?

How am I feeling? Terrified.

As I FaceTimed Bobby (of course he wasn’t home for this, again, right?) to let him know, as I was bawling my eyes out in pure terror, he grinned a little and said “babe, wasn’t that the plan?” …but…but…but…Juliette took 19 MONTHS to create and 3 miscarriages! We’ve only been “not preventing it” for two months! TWO! I told myself we’d never “try” again but if it happened, then it’s God’s will and plan. I even made jokes that Bobby better get a mistress because I can’t do another pregnancy/child. Of course, a joke and he and I would laugh and he’d tell me not to talk badly about his mistress (lol!) But dang! Two months later? A 3-year-old and a 10-month-old? Oh dear Lord! When I told him to pick a dog or a baby, I guess God decided we were more fit to be parents. I can’t help but laugh, but Bobby mentioned he still wanted both. I just can’t. Not right now…

…so another baby it is.

As his grin went away and he told me everything will be okay, I somehow didn’t feel like that was the case. I knew with him being so far and unable to provide the instant comfort I needed, I had to contact some of my closest friends to get insight. I was told everything from “this is great, exciting news.” to “you were meant to be a mom, Stacy.” to “this is God’s plan.” to “everything will be alright.” One of my neighbors (and very good friend) came over that morning. She is an amazing person. Always, always, always there when I need her. And I needed her that morning. Even after I came back from my doctors appointment to get my blood HCG drawn, she came back over and spent most of the day with me. I had another friend even come over as she read my text (“I need to talk to you, can you come over for a minute?”). She literally just rolled out of bed and came over half asleep when she should have been home packing for her vacation she was planned to leave for in a few hours. Who does that? What an amazing person she is! I am grateful and beyond blessed to have these (and so many other) ladies in my life. They tolerate my “crazy”. They are so understanding and patient. To know I have that sort of love and friendship, is reassuring. I just hope to return the favor to them one day.

Anyway…

Should I be cliche and say “Party of 5!” or “our family is growing my two feet?” I honestly don’t even know what to say today (day after that test). I’m still shocked. And totally not looking forward to all these symptoms that come along with early, first trimester pregnancy. Mainly the nausea (but never vomiting), the fatigue and the insomnia.

So here’s the kicker…

WHAT?????

…Josie’s birthday! This will be Josie’s 4th birthday! Maybe she knew when she was speaking of a brother? They say kids know. I think it’s crazy and funny! I laugh until I cry. Because that’s all I can do at this point, right? How ironic is this?

Life is so unpredictable. Two days ago I FINALLY made it out to an exercise class since not working out BEFORE I was pregnant with Josie and I love, love, loved it! SO much so that I signed up right then and there. It’s 3 days a week for an hour. It kicked my butt! The next morning (the day of my positive test), I could barely walk. Every muscle in my body hurt and I loved it! And totally missed this feeling. Knowing my muscles were strengthening. So do I stop because of fear? Or do I keep going? Do I change my plan because this happened? I was pregnant when I worked out (the other day) and didn’t know yet, so should I continue? I finally felt like I was getting my life together with two kids. I finally kicked the PPD to the curb. I finally felt like I could leave the house with both kids in tow and meet other mom’s, go to playdates and go to the pool without the help of another adult. God keeps telling my subconscious mind that I’ll find a way to make this work, too. Even one of my very best friends said: “I love you and you’ll figure this out, as usual :)”…that was so meaningful to me. Especially coming from her! In addition, she reminded me: “You were meant to be a mom. All of your babies, however many, are extremely lucky to have you.”…as if I wasn’t emotional enough, but to hear (read) one of the BEST mother’s I know tell me THIS, it put me at ease. Maybe I am doing something right? God picked me to be a mother to these babies.

I was scared to announce it to everyone. And I wasn’t planning to. I’m scared of another miscarriage. But God kept telling me to write. Because that’s what I do. And share with everyone. That more than anything I NEED the support and encouragement right now. And that I should be boasting in joy rather than fear. Fear is evil. And results in nothing but negative outcomes. I won’t let fear rob me of this amazing blessing. This amazing joy. This amazing creation God blessed us with yet again. Even IF something happens…I’ll know how I felt this day. The panic, the fear, the what-ifs…then the happiness, excitement and joy. As with anything life changing I can quickly go from one feeling to the other without notice. So beware! But I wanted to share with you all. All my friends and family. I really don’t want to keep it a secret. I need all the love, hope and prayers I can get right now. So pick your jaw up off the ground (haha!!) and send me good vibes. WE’RE PREGNANT (again)!

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A Broken Family…

I love my morning time. No matter how late I go to bed, I enjoy getting up (even with heavy eyes) and having my morning coffee in silence and peace. It’s the time I take to look around and be grateful for all God has blessed me with. Our beautiful home, good coffee, beautiful daughters, being married to my best friend and even my furry cat that cuddles up to me on the chair while I drink my morning coffee. I enjoy this time. The silence. The peace. The calm before the storm. I clear my head and prepare myself for the day ahead. I feel it’s necessary for me to give my all and be functional once the kids wake up. It’s only fair to them that I’m prepared and calm, willing and ready to tackle their every need.

This morning I am sipping my coffee while listening to Christmas music on the television. I love this time of the year. It warms my heart and soul. I love the decorations, the Christmas trees, the music, the movies and the weather. Whether it be north or south, the cooler weather always makes it that much better.

When I was a little girl, my mom and dad always took us to my grandparents each year for Christmas. But the weeks leading up to Christmas Eve were the best. My sister and I would help decorate the outside of the house with Grandpa in the cold, snowy weather. We rigorously checked each bulb on a strand of lights when or if they weren’t lighting up. It was my favorite thing to do with my Grandpa. I put a light bulb in the battery light checker and it would light up if it was still good or not light up if it was a dud. We’d know if it didn’t light up then that was the problem with the entire strand of lights being burnt out. We put out the tall yellow plastic candle sticks on each side of the steps to the front of the house. Plug them in and watch them light up. Each year, the same decorations, the same set up and amazing memories made. It was memorable. Every single year. They made it so so special for us. These memories are beautiful and I treasure them. Regardless of our life situation now, and the divide between families. I truly love that I have these good feelings and good memories to share with my children.

My sister and I would help my grandma cook, clean and decorate the inside of the house. We’d always bake and decorate the best cookies ever. We’d set out an olive tray, a pickle tray and have containers and containers of cookies. Peanut butter chocolate kiss cookies, sugar cookies, gum drop cookies and coconut macaroons. They were epic and unique. My Grandma had the best cooking and baking. She was 100% german. She had the best German cooking and her personality was rough around the edges, but oh so sweet. She stood for what she believed in and made sure everyone was aware of it. She was short and sweet but also short and full of sass. I admired her. She was an amazing woman. She always made the holidays so much fun for us girls. She always had something planned. Outfits, photos, cooking, events, etc. She’d dress us up or take us out in the brisk cold winter to stand in line for hours just to get the honey baked ham each year. She would buy us pretty christmas dresses and do our hair in rollers. She would do our makeup and always give us an early Christmas present. We’d wrap gifts on the pool table. We’d decorate the tree with garland. We’d watch Christmas movies she taped for us on VHS. We’d play in the snow and make snowmen. Christmas was the best time of the year. She always had something planned. And she always did such a great job at making us girls feel loved and special.

…as I sit here today, this morning, and write this, tears fill my eyes and pain fills my heart. My Grandma is dying. You see, she has dementia (COPD, emphysema, etc). And her and my Grandpa haven’t spoken to me in a few years because of a fall out with my father. Sadly, I cannot prove my worth to them. Nor can I explain the faults of myself or my father in the entire situation. All I know is that life is so short. So precious. And regardless of the pain and hurtful words said, my love for them hasn’t diminished. It hasn’t stopped. I pray daily that God will let go of the anger and resentment in their hearts. Like he did me. I’ve forgiven. Because that is what He wants us to do. I am not perfect. I have my faults as we all do. But sadly, when reaching out to my Grandpa most recently, he quickly rejected anything to do with me, my family and our two daughters. He wants absolutely nothing to do with his beautiful great granddaughters. I was at least hoping he’d tell my Grandma as she was slipping away, how much I love her. But he won’t even do that. So I will pray. Pray that God will tell her when she makes it to him, just how much I love her, have loved her and appreciate all she has done for me. I see her in me everyday. The things I do. The way I cook. The way I clean. She has been an influence in my life in good ways and bad. I admired her strength to leave Germany to raise a family here in the United States.

Life can be so difficult at times. It can throw you things that you’re not prepared to deal with. It can tear your heart apart and divide families.

At least I know in my heart that I tried to reach out. I tried to mend the broken family. The broken hearts. The broken relationships. I tired to be the better person. I tried to express my love.

Regardless…my love will never fade.

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Christmas 2004:

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Christmas 2005:

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Christmas 2006:

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Christmas 2007:

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Christmas 2008:

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And just some of my favorites:

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