And then it sunk.
I can’t help but have a heavy heart this holiday season. Especially since we are not going home to Michigan, like usual. This year, it will be just Bobby and I (and of course Baby Sock) and our kitties. Oh and my brother is coming to spend Christmas with us, which I’m very excited about. Counting down the days until I get to hug him tight.
My heart is heavy from the pain inflicted from the lack of empathy and love from my own father. I’d be a liar if I said it didn’t hurt. His words haunt my mind at my weakest moments. Days that nothing goes right and all go wrong. My mind wanders to things that are unfortunate in these moments. Things that I throw on the back burner for a later time seem to activate in my mind. Things I would rather not think about or dwell about or stress about are suddenly flashing in front of my face in these moments.
It only takes me a brief moment to find my strength to put these thoughts back in the back of my mind again and move along, normally, with my day. Yet during this time of the year, it hurts a little bit deeper and a little bit longer.
The sad part is, I can actually really hear his voice in my head say these horrible things he has said recently.
“Stacy? As far as I’m concerned, she is dead to me.”
“I don’t care that she is pregnant, I don’t give a shit. It doesn’t change anything”
“I don’t care about the kid, I’ll never see it anyways, so why does it matter to me?”
Baby Sock is not an “it”.
Baby Sock is your grandchild, dad.
Baby Sock is family. Baby Sock is a person…is my child. Why is that not enough to love him/her unconditionally?
Why do you need to get “something” out of it? It seems to always be about fulfilling your needs and desires, isn’t it? It has always been that way.
Life is so short. And you are so vain. You live such a sad, sad life. You expect everyone else to love you but you are never willing to truly love back. In fact, I’m quite sure you have no idea what “love” really is. Unconditional love. You only know obsession. You crave attention. You need to feel wanted or life is just not worth living to you. You depend on others to make your life complete. To make you happy.
Well guess what? God is shaming you. He is looking down at you with such disappointment. And shame on you.
How could you say those words? How could you disown your own child like that and have such negative thoughts about your grandchild? How can you possibly expect a life full of happiness handed to you when you are constantly hurting all of those around you throughout your life? There is a reason why so many people have walked in and out of your life. And those that you call your “friends”, those aren’t your friends. You aren’t supposed to sleep with your friends’ wives. But you have and you did. And you don’t disown your “friend” because they have a mental illness, or are just getting old and cannot move as quickly as you anymore. You are so selfish. You are so greedy.
I hate you for how you have hurt me. For how you have destroyed everything a father could have been. Or destroyed everything you could have been to your grandchild.
I hate you for making my grandparents hate me, too. I hate that they think you are innocent. That you do no wrong. But God knows. Yes, he does. He knows the truth. And because of that, he will make sure that you suffer. Because the only one missing out is you. This is your loss. To not be a part of my child’s life, my life, our life. That is a great loss on your part. And I pity you, for all that you are and aren’t. I hate that you hurt me. But you do, you can and you always will. There is not one more thing you could possibly do, that could hurt me as deeply as you have. This unforgivable pain you have inflicted upon my heart will never be forgotten.
And this holiday season it hurts just a little bit more because we’ve always spent it together.