That Ship Has Sailed

Dad and I

Dad and I 2

And then it sunk.

I can’t help but have a heavy heart this holiday season.  Especially since we are not going home to Michigan, like usual.  This year, it will be just Bobby and I (and of course Baby Sock) and our kitties. Oh and my brother is coming to spend Christmas with us, which I’m very excited about.  Counting down the days until I get to hug him tight.

My heart is heavy from the pain inflicted from the lack of empathy and love from my own father.  I’d be a liar if I said it didn’t hurt.  His words haunt my mind at my weakest moments.  Days that nothing goes right and all go wrong.  My mind wanders to things that are unfortunate in these moments.  Things that I throw on the back burner for a later time seem to activate in my mind.  Things I would rather not think about or dwell about or stress about are suddenly flashing in front of my face in these moments.

It only takes me a brief moment to find my strength to put these thoughts back in the back of my mind again and move along, normally, with my day. Yet during this time of the year, it hurts a little bit deeper and a little bit longer.

The sad part is, I can actually really hear his voice in my head say these horrible things he has said recently.

“Stacy?  As far as I’m concerned, she is dead to me.”

“I don’t care that she is pregnant, I don’t give a shit.  It doesn’t change anything”

“I don’t care about the kid, I’ll never see it anyways, so why does it matter to me?”

Baby Sock is not an “it”.

Baby Sock is your grandchild, dad.

Baby Sock is family.  Baby Sock is a person…is my child.  Why is that not enough to love him/her unconditionally?

Why do you need to get “something” out of it?  It seems to always be about fulfilling your needs and desires, isn’t it?  It has always been that way.

Life is so short.  And you are so vain.  You live such a sad, sad life.  You expect everyone else to love you but you are never willing to truly love back.  In fact, I’m quite sure you have no idea what “love” really is.  Unconditional love.  You only know obsession. You crave attention.  You need to feel wanted or life is just not worth living to you.  You depend on others to make your life complete.  To make you happy.

Well guess what?  God is shaming you.  He is looking down at you with such disappointment.  And shame on you.

How could you say those words?  How could you disown your own child like that and have such negative thoughts about your grandchild?  How can you possibly expect a life full of happiness handed to you when you are constantly hurting all of those around you throughout your life?  There is a reason why so many people have walked in and out of your life.  And those that you call your “friends”, those aren’t your friends.  You aren’t supposed to sleep with your friends’ wives.  But you have and you did.  And you don’t disown your “friend” because they have a mental illness, or are just getting old and cannot move as quickly as you anymore.  You are so selfish.  You are so greedy.

I hate you for how you have hurt me.  For how you have destroyed everything a father could have been.  Or destroyed everything you could have been to your grandchild.

I hate you for making my grandparents hate me, too.  I hate that they think you are innocent.  That you do no wrong. But God knows.  Yes, he does.  He knows the truth.  And because of that, he will make sure that you suffer.  Because the only one missing out is you.  This is your loss. To not be a part of my child’s life, my life, our life. That is a great loss on your part.  And I pity you, for all that you are and aren’t.  I hate that you hurt me.  But you do, you can and you always will.  There is not one more thing you could possibly do, that could hurt me as deeply as you have.  This unforgivable pain you have inflicted upon my heart will never be forgotten.

And this holiday season it hurts just a little bit more because we’ve always spent it together.

4 thoughts on “That Ship Has Sailed

  1. Sad to say, but these things are true..he is selfish, and to think all of this was over a stupid fight at Cheeseburger..I can guarantee that if he didn’t have Denise, he would have accepted your apology, which was very heartfelt and genuine, a long time ago…The whole thing is just sad really. You have me, Mom, Nick,who all love you very much, and we will never hurt or disown you no matter what because you are family..and family loves unconditionally…So although very hard, don’t walk around with a heavy heart..be happy! There are so many great blessings that still exist in your life…pretty soon you’ll have a son or daughter, and nothing else will matter ❤ Love you

  2. Of all your posts that have made me cry with happiness, this one does not. It makes me want to puke in my throat. He is a selfish self centered son of a bitch. After everything he had said and done? To give him the slightest recon ignition is unbelievable. He is a bastard of the biggest kind. And your grandparents are just as ignorant and blind. I’m sorry your hurting this holiday and wish I could be there with you. But it won’t be just you and bobby, your brother is looking forward and counting the days. I love you, and will give enough to my GB ( baby sock ) that he/she will never doubt they are loved by a grand parent. I hope you wrote this to purge your soul of him, because he deserves none of your tears. Smile my pretty, you have a wonderful life. Xoxo

    1. I forgot to add Nick coming, I meant to.

      Yeah, I know he’s a POS. I wrote it to tell him how much I hate him and how I will never, ever forgive him for what pain he’s caused and the things he’s said. They are unforgettable and unforgivable. It’s my way of telling him how I feel without having to hear it back from him. He can’t say a word this time. It’s all over. He blew it. There’s never any going back. Damage is beyond done.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s